Whale Cock Skateboards

BAKU

2011-03-23T12:15:00.000-07:00

SAILORS BOARD ME NOW!

2007-08-28T16:37:00.000-07:00

Nothing like sailing on the high seas with your mate(s) trolling for some whale cock.

I’m part of Jai Tanju’s little Film Por Vida project. It’s a bunch of dudes who send photos through the mail to each other. I’m the one dude on the list that doesn’t send shit to nobody, but for some reason I get a pretty serious amount of photos. I’ve enjoyed receiving every photo I’ve gotten in my mailbox, thank you to everyone, but this one is easily the best. It’s from Dave Rosenberg in Oakland and all it says on the back is, “Found this in the trash!”

MORE AT THE LIMIT OF CLOSE TO THE GAY

Speaking of faggot photos in the mail, Tobin sent me this blast from the past. Who is that faggot?

WALRUS OUT. TREE KANGAROOS AND RED PANDAS IN.

Way back when, Tremaine and everybody at Big Brother decided we should have an office walrus. There was even an ad in the magazine requesting donations. Well, walruses are soooo 1994. In my office I want a tree kangaroo (above) and a red panda (below). Dude, look at that panda, he'll fuck you the fuck up. The kangaroo just kills you with cuteness.

HARTFORD WHALERS RIP OFF PART 2

My friend Thomas noticed that Tiger Woods is simultaneously ripping off Whalecock and the Hartford Whalers with his logo. Fuckin' Woodbags...

BUCKETS

I take that back about walruses. They're cool again.

7yyyyyy6

This was the last thing Gary wrote on my computer. "7yyyyyyy6." I think it means he hates you.

FRAULEIN OLGA

2007-08-21T12:31:00.000-07:00

LOWENBRAU KELLER

Fraulein Tania gets her German on.

I’m a published food writer now. My friend Josh Tyson is an editor over at Dining Out magazine and while we were chatting about Thomas Keller’s restaurant in Vegas, he said, “You want to write an article about it?” I did. And they loved it. Apparently the editor said, “Now that’s what I’m talking about!” after she read it. So the following restaurant review was written by a PROFESSIONAL. Yes.

Lowenbrau Keller restaurant in Los Angeles: HOLY FUCK! Why have I never heard of this place before? Our friend Dave Peters told us about it. “It’s crazy in there,” he said. Now that we’ve been there, that’s an understatement. Apparently the owners had something to do with a Hollywood set designer. Boars heads, wine kegs, suits of armor, antlers, there’s so much shit crammed in there. But that’s just the half of it.

The chandelier above the piano. And oh that bar (right.)

The “staff” is the other part that makes this place so delightfully crazy. There’s just two of them. Two old ladies: the owner (not sure what she does, she seated us and that was that) and Fraulein Olga, the cook and waitress. I knew I was getting into something crazy when I called and I spoke with the owner. She didn’t really seem like she wanted us to come. But she grudgingly said we could come at 8:30. I hung up without even giving her a name or anything for the reservation.

We decided it would be fun to show up early. We arrived at 8. “Oh you’re lucky,” she said when we walked into the Black Forest. “There’s supposed to be a party of five, but they haven’t shown up.” Meaning if they had shown up we wouldn’t be allowed in. It was even funnier when, after we were seated, we realized there were only two other people in the whole restaurant.

After ogling at our extremely German surroundings for a few minutes, a giant hulk of a German woman arrived. I later learned this was Fraulein Olga. She told us, in a very annoyed way, that there were no menus, “I will tell you what I have.” I think there were three things to choose from: chicken schnitzel, veal schnitzel, and sausage. “And you have to hurry up.” Okay, okay. Tania took the veal, so I went for the chicken. After she poured us a couple Spaten’s, she disappeared into the kitchen to make our dinners.

Dead animals provide the light.

Tania’s father is German and she’s fiercely proud of her heritage. She explained that that wasn’t unusual at all, but typical of the Hofbrau style. Didn’t bother me. And when the food finally arrived, it was amazing. It was your typical German fare, but it was done very well.

I make funny faces.

Suddenly the party of five arrived. They were scolded. And they had an extra person. “You did not tell me it was a party of six!” she boomed at them. GASP! They don’t tolerate that kind of inaccuracy in Germany.

Tania wants her bday party there, and while it looks like a fine place to have a party, I’m not sure it would work in practice. They don’t seem to like customers. Although I left a rather handsome tip, and when we were leaving, Fraulein Olga said, “Good night. And thank you for being so generous.”

I read that the Lowenbrau Keller was one of Elvis’ favorite places to eat in LA. And it is now one of mine. Apparently it really goes off during Octoberfest. Can’t wait.

Out back in the parking lot are a bunch of movie props.

KWISTEFE

yes kwistefe is back. this one makes me want to make a tshirt that reads, "that is at the limit of close to the gay." as sean cliver said, "that describes just about everything that was ever in jackass and big brother." anyway, a letter from belgium:

Hello David,

what is by you? good?

sorry for the retard in response but i know you were not concerning
about it. I have sporadically the access to internet. It is
pleasureful that you give your news to me.

Hey, i joke hey when i say you are the gay! we are not the pink team!
(but i see the photo of you and your dick with mustard or such on the
blog somewhere...that is at the limit of close to the gay;)

That remembers to me when you send at me some Big Brother stickers and
i receive of rollerblades with the gay colors, it was such crazy laugh
(and i still have them). Every sonday, near a park where i live, the
rollerbladers come and exhibition their gayness moves and i film that
sometimes with my camera in ridicule ==> maybe i will do the "montage"
someday of the rollerbladers doing such with a Slayer background
musical.

you have not the portable phone? that is unbelievable crazy cool!
today every has the phone in their ear and they talk blablabla to the
others. and i too, so maybe i am the gay without aknowledge!

Hey you say about my brother BK. It is the bad news with him often.
He is now in the St Gilles prison: it is the tough nut to residate
there, you must believe. Sorryly enough, he does the stupid acts
without thinking. And so done he does 3 years for stealing homes and
the cars, and for the drugs he possess at the arrestation (somewhat of
cocaine). He did by example also to break a window shop to get the
bottles of beer, and all was taked on video surveillance! the idiot
thing, not? I will not elongate the other further things because the
police service has a long listing!

But hey, if not, have you listenend to the band? Maybe you do not
like. we have other songs but must record.

I read you soon.

Kwis.

SWEDISH BOARD GAMES

2007-08-09T13:26:00.000-07:00

BARRY PISSING

I don't know anyone else but myself who is so lucky to have a bunch of random stranger friends who send me pictures of full frontal male nudity.

"Hey Dave,

I have attached a photo of my best friend.

From Luke Thompson"

GLIDING AND TURNING

Skateboarding's favorite fruitcake, Daniel Gesmer, has been hired to perform in an upcoming Cirque De Soleil production. I'm friends with Dan, so naturally I wrote him a big WHAT THE FUCK? We're currently working with Cirque on trying to do a little more than just an interview. As in some backstage filming and whatnot. "WE?" For what? Oh wouldn't you like to know.

SWEDISH VERT SKATER BOARD GAME: PENTAGO

Matthias is an odd fellow. I mean that in a good way. You wouldn’t know it, but he’s got some pretty fucked up stories. Ones you’d be surprised he’s at the center of. I think skateboarding should take a closer look at Matthias, but that's just me. Fortunately this story is fit for polite conversation, but it’s still a surprise.

We had been chatting off and on all weekend at the XGames, but as we stood next to each other at the BMX vert finals Matthias got kind of serious.

“Can I ask you a question?” he asked.

“Yeah. Sure.”

“You seem like a smart guy.”

“I fake it,” I said.

“Do you like games, Dave?” he asked. He said it kind of like he had a Swedish sex dungeon or something he wanted to lead me to.

“Uh,” kind of a strange question. “Yeah? I guess?”

“Do you have a moment?” he asked, kind of motioning over to a corner.

“Sure.”

We retreated to a corner where he produced what looked like a CD case. I was expecting handcuffs and a ball gag, but inside was a little board game. There were four squares with little divets in each that you placed marbles into. The object, he explained, was to get five in a row. It’s kind of like a fancy tic-tac-toe, but, as it turns out, with chess like strategy.

At the time, I was given to understand that he had invented the game. Which made me think, “God, skateboarding is weird. Swedish vert skater/strategy board game creator?” You can’t make that shit up. As it turns out, it was indeed invented by a Swede, just not him.

“It so easy to underestimate the game,” he wrote in an email later, “it looks just like a little easy 5 in a row game. I did that when my mom gave it to me, I thought, ‘Come on mom, i'm 30 that's a kid’s game... alright i'll play you....’ then lost 3 times in a row and i was like, "Hey hold on a sec." Then started playing with my brothers and eventually took over here. And you know the rest.”

The rest is that he approached Tony Mag, the other Swedish vert skater, with the game because Tony, unlike me, actually is a smart guy and not only enjoys games, but is good at them. They basically licensed the game from the creator in Sweden and are manufacturing it themselves and marketing it here.

“Swedish Vert Skater Board Game Topples Tony Hawk Pro Skater as Number One Game in World!”

So he gets this game out and wants me to have a go at it. I enjoy a game of chess here and there, Scrabble is a favorite, and whenever I travel I always have a Sudoku book with me. The problem at the XGames was that I was extremely hungover and, well, we were at the XGames. Worst place possible to try and pitch an idea to someone. What made it even worse was the BMX announcer. Holy shit, I’ve heard some really bad MCs in my time, but this dude was easily the worst I’ve ever heard. For one, he was Australian. I think that might be the worst accent ever. Especially when it’s SUPER AUSTRALIAN, as this fucker’s was. Everybody was “DA BEEST” and “HEESTORY” was being made left and right. Needless to say I couldn’t play Matthias’ stupid game.

Fortunately Matthias is also a smart guy and recognized the pain I was in and offered to send me one. A few days later, sure enough, I got my very own PENTAGO. It sat on the counter for about a week because every time I looked at it I heard that fucking Australian accent. Eventually it died away and I was able to open the game. And I have to admit I’m totally addicted to it now. Like chess, it is so simple, even simpler, but so complex. I even woke up the morning after my first night with it with strategy in my head. When I went to the website…

www.pentago.com

I discovered that this strategy “I invented” was already called “THE TRIPLE POWER PLAY” and it’s “the most powerful move in the game as it’s deceptive and versatile.” HA! There’s another move on there called “Monica’s Five,” named after Tony Mag’s wife who, apparently regularly employs the move with deadly results, so I’m currently trying to get them to change the name of THE TRIPLE POWER PLAY to something a little more Carnie-esque. Names I’m thinking they should use:

TOTAL CARNAGE

CARNAGE AND LIGHTNING

THE CARN CARN CARN

CUNTY CUNT CUNT 3000

SUCK THE BUTT, KOOK

AT THE LIMIT OF CLOSE TO THE GAY

No response yet from the Swedish vert skater camp.

One thing I should note here: while I’ve played the game a few dozen times, I’ve only won a handful of games. Literally. I think I’ve won less than five games. Tania is a fucking master at it. I’d like to blame it on the fact that I drink way more than she does, but I have to admit, that chick is fucking smart. It’s no fluke. Because she has a similar innate talent when it comes to chess and Scrabble. There’s a crafty little brain up in that skull of hers. One of the many reasons why I’m marrying that lady.

But I’m on a mission to beat her at that fucking game. I’m also trying to get sponsored by Pentago, but that’s second to beating Tania. When she gets home tonight, I’m going to beat her fucking ass good. (I love writing that sentence.)

“As far as the team,” Matthias said, “I can put you on flow for right now. budgets have already been made for this year.”

Typical fuckin industry bullshit.

JOLLY GOOD SHOW!
Not sure what to make of this. Russ sent it. The English are fuckin’ weird.

August 16, 2007

Police let good times roll

LEE-ON-THE-SOLENT Police are being sent skateboarding in an attempt to cultivate a “cooler” image to improve their relations with young people. Hampshire police are sending officers to workshops, attended by up to 30 youngsters aged from 12 to 16, to receive expert tuition.
The force wants one constable, three police community support officers and one sergeant to attend the two-hour, twice-weekly sessions, where they will start on a training board without wheels.
“It is a chance for police to talk to young people in a positive situation and to break down barriers. It lets the youngsters see a more human side to the police,” a police spokeswoman said. She added that a similar scheme in which police organised other activities for children in the area had cut crime by 28 per cent last year. “If they get called to another incident they will go and deal with it rather than staying there and having fun skateboarding.”

BEST PICTURE EVER

ACHEY BREAKY JAKEY

2007-08-07T11:41:00.001-07:00

IT'S ALL ABOUT BOB

“I don’t know what hurts him most,” Weiss said, “the slam, or getting robbed.”

Yeah, Jake should have won. After 13 years, ESPN was given the opportunity to do something right, but they showed once again that they just don’t get it. What an amazing story they would have had to pump on their network: underdog skater falls 45 feet, survives AND wins gold. They missed such a great opportunity by giving Bob first. Even without the sympathy points, I think Jake wins on paper.

Jake: 70’ 360 ollie to 23’ 540.
Bob: 70’ switch b/s 180 to 16’ f/s 540.

“So how much money did you have on Bob?” I asked judges Chris Miller and Tony Magnusson the next day. “Because that was retarded.”

“Hey,” Tony said, “I was the only judge that said Jake won.”

Well good for Tony Mag. But I’m disappointed in the other three judges: Chris Miller, Sasha Steinhorst and Hosoi. Apparently they couldn’t decide who won and so threw up their hands and let ESPN make the call. And of course they’re going to give it to their golden boy, Bob.

“Man, I don’t know,” Tony Hawk said when I asked him who he thought won. “I would go with Jake. The reason they gave it to Bob, and I know this, is because no one has ever done a f/s five. And whenever someone does something that hasn’t been done, they count it for so much more.”

“I didn’t think anyone had done a 360 ollie in a contest before?” I said.

“They’ve seen him do it, though, you know what I mean?” Tony said. “They hadn’t seen Bob make a f/s five. I’m just saying in the minds of the judges that’s what they were thinking. To me, a 360 ollie over 70 feet? That’s it.”

But they had also seen Bob do switch b/s 180s. Bob, in fact, warms up with a switch b/s 180. As one person observed, switch isn’t as big of a deal today as it used to be. And since the judges are all old farts who come from a time when switch didn’t exist, I think they gave it a little more merit than necessary. I know for a fact they did because I spoke with them after. Chris Miller, for one, was absolutely smitten with the switch b/s 180. I don’t want to take anything away from Bob’s run, but I, and I think most people, think Jake’s was better.

Danny Way also later said the gold should have gone to Jake. His reasoning was, “The contest is called, Big Air Contest. And Jake went bigger.”

Simple as that.

The judges told me that they weren’t allowed to factor in any outside factors: they had to choose who had the best single run. Anything beyond that didn’t count. So Jake’s 720 over the gap that he did just before the slam was ignored. Which I disagree with because he had never made that before in his life and to try it and make it in a contest situation just shows that he was going bigger than Bob. Also, they should have taken into consideration the fact that Bob got six runs to every one else’s five. Apparently he complained that he was distracted by a motorcycle during one of his earlier runs.

“This is the XGames, not Wimbledon,” a friend said when he heard that.

Pierre Luc also took a run with a motorcycle in the background, but he didn’t complain.

But, again, as Danny said, none of that should matter: Jake went bigger. And, frankly, looked better.

And after that slam, I think the gentlemanly thing to do would have been to have just ended the contest right there and given it to Jake. He was in first place. He had won. But no, Bob had to go and take his extra run and try and win it. As I’ve said, he didn’t win it, but the fact that he wanted to beat a fellow skater who had just taken one of the hardest slams ever isn’t really congruent with the spirit of skateboarding. Or even the spirit of sport, for that matter. When did “winning at all cost” creep into skateboarding?

“That’s Bob,” Gentry said. “It’s all about Bob.”

And as we all know, the XGames aren’t going to be paying Jake’s hospital bills because they don’t provide insurance for their event. So Jake will have to use the $20,000 he got for second to pay for his slam. While ESPN will continue to reap the benefit of that footage for years to come. Twenty grand’s not bad, but I’m sure he’d prefer the $60,000 that ESPN gave Bob for first. I’m not suggesting this should be a charity, but the injustice of the whole thing grows worse when you know Bob’s pretty well off, while Jake barely has a pot to piss in. What’s Bob going to do with the money, buy another mango grove, or put a yoga studio in his house?

Lastly, those theatrics at the end there, the rolling around on the ramp, holding his head, “I’m so huuuurt,” (Jake’s the one that fell out of a fucking building!)—come on, dude, leave that shit on the soccer pitch.

Jake should have won. But fortunately his injuries weren’t too bad and, while it’s a tough way to succeed, that slam is actually opening a lot of doors for him. I know a number of TV shows wanted him for interviews and apparently his sponsors are making him real offers now.

How he didn't die is astounding, though. He hit the flat so hard his fucking shoes flew off into the crowd. The fact that there's nothing wrong with him is wrong in itself. But I'm glad he's okay.

“I’ve always said that he’s had this rare condition since birth,” Weiss said. “It’s like his skull is so thick, there’s no room for a brain. He’s the literal definition of a bone head.”

Yeah Jake.

DOUCHE BAGS WITH LITTLE DICKS

2007-08-06T17:53:00.000-07:00

HOW TO AVOID THE XGAMES

“Whoa! What are you doing here?”

“This is the last place I’d expect to see you!”

“Suck a butt kook.”

These are the things people said to me at the XGames. Yes, I went to the XGames. Kind of. Why? Because Red Bull paid me to. In hindsight, I’m not sure if it was worth it.

Nieratko’s got that energy drink company wrapped around his little finger. They sponsored his book tour, and essentially bank rolled the whole thing. They even flew him and his wife to Hawaii to do a reading at some dinky skate shop in Maui. He told them that the skate shop determines what America reads the next year.

So they asked Nieratko if he would cover the XGames for their Red Bulletin magazine thingy. Which is basically an insert in other magazines. Apparently they’ve been printing ‘em out at F1 races. They go to an F1 race, cover it, and then they have a mobile printer (it’s like a printing press in a truck, I understand?) which prints out a magazine every night. And they decided they wanted to do one for the XGames which will appear in either Happy magazine or Blisss magazine. Niether of which I’ve ever heard of, nor do I care. But Nieratko asked if I wanted help and the money wasn’t bad. Plus I want a flat screen over my fireplace.

I knew it would be bad, but I didn’t think it would be as bad as it was. And yes I was there when Jake Brown fell down and went BOOM! More on that in a minute. But aside from one lousy day at the ‘Po (that’s what we started calling the Home Depot Center where the games were held), I spent most of my time avoiding going to the XGames. Which was fine, because that’s the kind of stories these Red Bull fellas were interested in. “Taking the piss out of the XGames,” they kept saying. They, the magazine people, were English. They lived in a windowless bunker on the fourth floor of The Standard Hotel in downtown LA. Which was where we were all staying at. It felt weird packing a bag to go stay at a hotel that is, at worst, ten minutes from my house.

So instead of attending the XGames, I wiled away my time at the Standard.

getting drunk in the rooftop pool.

hanging out with the hot bitches at the pool.

and watching real sports like NASCAR in bed.

DOUCHE BAGS

There were a lot of douche bags at the XGames. I’m actually really disappointed that I didn’t spend more time documenting them. In fact I didn’t document them at all. At the time I was so revolted by them, that I didn’t think to take pictures of them. But you know that FMX (freestyle motorcross…took me forever to figure that out), Orange County kind of look? Lots of tattoos, faggy sunglasses, faggy hair and Monster Energy drink hats. If they were wearing a shirt, it was a wife beater. There were millions of them there. Just a sea of Rick Thornes.

I did take a picture of one of their vehicles, though. When I see anything this audacious on the road, the first thing I say is, “Sorry about your dick.” Any amateur psychologist will tell you that this is a penis issue. It is the result of having a little penis. And judging by the sheer number of these monsters in the parking lot, there were a lot of little dicks at the XGames. And if you don’t think this has anything to do with the owner’s penis, then why is there a scrotum hanging off the back of it?

THE EXCLUSIVE ATHLETE LOUNGE

I still get all giddy when Hosoi recognizes me. I got him to pose with Desiree Astorga and ole ever ready Eddie Reautegui.

As with every XGames I've had the displeasure of attending, I am not allowed to go anywhere. I never have the right pass for anything. I get to go in for free, but my passes never seem to get me anywhere anybody else can go. I didn’t have an “athlete’s lounge” pass apparently. Everyone else did, though. And that’s where they hung out. There was free Taco Bell in the athlete’s lounge. And it wasn’t normal Taco Bell. This was Tony Hawk Taco Bell. I had some. It was good. I was able to finagle my way in a couple times. “Nope,” they’d say. “Come on,” I’d whine, “I don’t even want to be here. I could give a shit about the athlete’s lounge, I’m just trying to find my ride home. Just let me look and see if he’s in there.” “Oh, alright.” Brian Patch complimented me on my verbal judo skills. “Jesus,” he said, “you’re good, because they don’t let anyone in here.”

And they shouldn’t, it’s like heaven in there. Famous people milling about, free Taco Bell, free pasta salad, a pool table…can you say “awesome.” They even got a secret golf course in a dark room in the corner. I found Dave “DUI” Duncan playing a round of golf. Dagger my ass. Daggers don’t need blankets and they sure as hell don’t play golf. I thought that was in the rules?

Blogging takes too long. You'll have to wait til the next post to read my inside take on the mega ramp business and to see the Swedish board game that Matthias Ringstrom created.

THIS CHARMING BLOG

2007-07-24T15:59:00.000-07:00

I hired this dude to write the blog today. love that look.

BILL PEPPER MAKES JUNK

Bloody baby! Yes, washed up, old pro skateboarder Bill Pepper has given birth to Tyler Dean Pepper. Congratulations Bill. That's not womb blood, by the way. That's Jake Phelps' blood. Apparently the li'l fella came flying out of Bill's vagina with fists a-flying and went straight down to the Thrasher offices and gave ole Jake another "pepper spray." Like father like son.

And I call all babies "junk" because, let's face it, babies are ugly. They're just different colored lumps of junk. When they start to look like a little person after a couple years some of them are fortunate enough to qualify as "cute." There are exceptions to the rule, of course, and Mike Mihaly's baby is one of them. I want that hair.

Since Tania and I are getting married, the baby question has come up a few times. Friends have asked the question. Tania and I are clear on our baby views. I, for instance, will regularly say under my breath, "fuckyoubaby," to any baby who happens to be near me. While we both agree that having a baby and watching it shoot poop at us would be funny for a couple years, the idea of it turning into a little brat child and then a teenager makes us puke. babies, yeah, maybe. children, no. teenagers, fuck no. we'd rather spend the money for braces on a trip to the caribbean and get fucked up. this is called FORESIGHT. Tania and I wish more people would use it. (Is that Dennis McGrath?)

YOUR ENGLISH LESSON, SIR
spot the typo:

"King Maximilian I Joseph of Bavaria spared no expense when his son Ludwig married his beloved Theresa of Saxony-Hildburghausen, and held a massive party for 40,000 guests on October 17, 1810. The climax was an 36,000-feet-horse race in a large meadow outside the town."

Because of the placement of the dashes, we have 36,000 foot tall horses racing each other? It probably would have been better to have written, "The climax was a 36,000-foot-long horse race…" Dashes attach words together. Be careful where you place them. Still, I enjoy the image. "They raced across the Atlantic, their hooves pounding the ocean floor while their noses remained safely above the violent waves…”

ERIC NEVADA'S TAPOUT: HAND TO FLUKE COMBAT

Eric Nevada created a number of devices which enabled him to leave the boat and engage a whale face to face.

LIMITED EDITION, ERIC NEVADA REPLICA FLASK

2007-07-10T09:21:00.000-07:00

In addition to being one of the greatest whalers in history, Eric Nevada was also a prolific drinker. He could drink for months at a time and never get sick or hungover. Needless to say, he never lost a drinking contest. His intake was astounding. It’s rumored he once challenged the Hoover Dam to a drinking contest…and won. After Eric toured the Bushmill distillery in Ireland, there wasn’t a drop of whiskey left in a single oak cask. It was five years before the world would see a drop of Irish whiskey again.

Big cocks require big flasks. Whalecock skateboards is proud to present an authentic replica of the giant, stainless steel flask Eric used to carry in his back pocket. It holds up to a gallon of your favorite beverage. A mere shot for Eric, but certainly more than enough for you and your friends. It comes embossed with the famous Whalecock W logo, and can be monogrammed as well. $198.00

The Casino in the Whale

2007-07-09T17:16:00.000-07:00

In his childhood and despite his Parents’ objections, Eric enjoyed Whaling with the Negroes well into the wee hours of the morning. Their influence can be seen throughout his long and storied career. He was enamored, for instance, with Casino carpets and insisted that no ship under his charge be without a bright, obnoxiously patterned deck from starboard to port, bow to stern. Being fourth mate, I was given the task before our last voyage of riding into town and securing 400 yards of carpet. The samples Eric provided are shewn below.

Eric ended up disliking this one and used it in the brig.

There are drawings in his journals of the hollowed remains of a sperm whale converted into a casino with this pattern on the floor. "The Jonas Casino" was actually begun on indian land in western Massachussets, but the project was abandoned almost as soon as it began. When asked why the construction of the whale casino was never completed, he replied, "Fifteen tables aint enough to shit on."

He once confided in me when he was in a drunken stupor that this pattern reminded him of his boyhood negro friend Shem. His eyes welled with tears.

Eric said he was fond of this pattern because it made him mad. A condition conducive to whaling. He would often take a bottle of tequila and a sample of this carpet and retire to his cabin for hours. When he emerged, it was best to get out of his way. If you were unfortunate enough to be in his path, there was no torture his twisted mind couldn't imagine inflicting upon your person.

ERIC NEVADA

2007-06-25T16:48:00.000-07:00

The whale was created by God. Or an ostrich. Perhaps God was ordered by an ostrich to create whales. Did God create the ostrich to boss him around? That’s a bit masochistic isn’t it? Or is the ostrich God, and God is just its puppet? A clumsy flightless bird that buries its head in the sand created everything? That actually makes more sense. That would make it an OZtrich, then, wouldn’t it? The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghoztrich. It doesn’t much matter. There are whales.

And Eric Nevada—who was also created by God, or an ostrich, it doesn’t much matter—was born to hunt them.

BOZO MONKEY BEAR THE THIRD

2007-06-21T11:43:00.000-07:00

i have bad news for you: you're going to die. because the world is coming to an end. bill weiss is having a baby. pat duffy is having a baby. and mike crum already had a dang baby. if that's not enough to harsh your mellow, dave carnie is getting married to tania. are you ready for the bad news? i created a second blog to document the deed. yes, i am the not-so-proud owner of two blogs. you know what kind of people have two blogs? faggots.

click on the title above or go to http://bozomonkeybear3.blogspot.com/

DADDY!!! (and yes i'm the mother of pat's baby. only two months and it's really showing. oh it just kicked! i already need a bigger bra. pickle? anybody got a pickle? pickle pepper pomegranate parsnip pizza! PLAZE!)

HOCKEY COCKS

2007-06-07T00:39:00.000-07:00

i would never disrespect the cup in any way, but there's a part of me that wants to jump over the glass (like that dude that tried to bum rush the pope) and poop in the cup while they're posing for this picture...sorry, i'm still very upset about last night's loss.

i have no comment on last night's anaheim win except to say that it's always nice to have a new name on the stanley cup. first california team ever! i would have preferred one of the other two, but oh well. and thanks to ottawa's ineptitude, my name will, once again, not be adorning our gentleman's beer drinking club cup this year. i take solace in the fact that it is on there once: detroit 2001. almost got on again, but instead jason scribner's anaheim ducks did it last night. congratulations to jason. he is now responsible for throwing the gentleman's party and "there better be a keg, meat, ice cream and it better be fun." those are the rules.

and thanks to the site below, i'm happy to inform you that it would take roughly 2,940 hockey pucks to equal the weight of one right whale's testicle.

http://www.weirdconverter.com/weight.php

THE WEINER

this is jason. he won our gentleman's hockey club. in this picture, the ducks have just won and he's celebrating. i'm no doubt at my house throwing plates. he also grew a really weird playoff "beard." he looks like a gross porno star.

since he won, he shaved off his "beard." looks much better. not creepy at all. totally not creepy. makes you want to poop in his mouth, huh? or ram 2,940 pucks up his ass.

PROFILERS BE PROFILIN'
tania’s face blew up a couple days ago. tania, apparently, is allergic to lychee nuts. and specifically profilin.

“CONCLUSION: Lychee fruit contains a significant amount of profilin. Consumption of this exotic fruit can cause severe anaphylactic reactions in patients being sensitized against the plant pan-allergen profilin.”

yeah i don’t know what half those words are either. tania wanted a “weird snack,” the other day so she came home from the fancy grocery store with some weird ass fruit. "they’re lychee nuts," she said. i tried one. i admire andrew zimmerman. he's given me the courage to put just about anything in my mouth. [insert your joke here].

inside a lychee nut (or fruit, we're not sure) it kind of looks like an eyeball. it's white, viscuous pulp surrounding a large nut/seed, not unlike an avacoda pit. so we had a couple. they're not bad. it's an unusual taste, but it's pleasant. i had one, tania had two. but the next day, she took the rest to work and had like six of them or something. and that's when she blew up. i always answer her calls, but i was right in the middle of remodeling our bathroom and wrestling with the subfloor when the phone blew up. "fuck, what the hell is so important?"

so some coworkers drove her to an urgent care where i met her and found my li’l baby not so little anymore. she was all puffy. and itchy. and a different color. i brought my camera to take pictures, but she forbid it. and frankly it wasn’t that noticeable anyway. she was kind of red and her eyelids looked like inner tubes, and her lips looked like they had implants. kind of sexy actually. but it wasn’t like what happened to chris reed a few years ago when he dyed his hair black. which, fortunately, was preserved on camera for us all:

chris reed before hair dye.

chris reed after hair dye.

here's chris' story about the hair dye incident:
"But yes, I am allergic to the chemical that makes the black in black hair dye. And what makes the whole thing worse is that I went to a hair salon and had chris hotz’ wife do it and she really did a number on me. I had already dyed my hair a couple times before and had small alergic reactions so I thought “it must be the cheap hair dye I am using...I will go to the salon and use the good stuff”...Well it was good and all and I blew up like balloon. Too funny. I had to go on stereoids for multiple treatments and had dandruff back ever since.The worst part (after the swelling went down) was that my head had all these blisters that proceeded to pop and clear goo would run down the back of my ears and down my neck when I was at work or chilling at home...gay. And also when I woke up in the morning I had to peel my hair off my pillow because it would stick itself on there. Ask Kali...so gay."

as chris informed me, he's "allergic to PPD ( paraphenylenediamine)." and he showed me another kid that's allergic to it too.

WHALE SLUTS
"ahoy there captain i just found a usefull bit of info on ways and thought id
pass it along ,theres this type of whale when mating after dumping its load
in his bitch the bitch will have sex with another whale but when the
following whale dumps its load the cum will completly blow the previous
whales load out of the way in order for this whale to have its line
continued , i hope that made sense i found it interesting , also get some
boards down to oz cos i want em YARR take care captain
ben lewis"

thanks ben. if you go to "cockaganda" on the whalecock website you can read a story "my whale cock" which explains just why that is.

WHALE COCKBOBS

2007-05-30T14:49:00.000-07:00

This was sent to me by a fellow named Brian Unwin...which i just realized, does unwin mean "lose?" anyway, in iceland they eat whale. whale kabobs apparently. but why do they even bother with those little tiny slices of bell pepper. if i were making whale kabobs i'd get a fucking fence post or a sword or something and slam five pound hunks of whale on it and separate them with fucking pumpkins and watermelons and shit. then i'd sail over to norway and roast it over the flames of a burning church.

and if you read the tony hawk whalecock interview, you'll remember that tony surprisingly has actually had whale before. at a sushi joint in santa monica. which is in america. that's some under the table shit right there. that's almost like serving panda carpaccio.

JAPAN WANTS WHALE KABOBS AS WELL!

Interestingly, the sport of whaling is in the news these days. Japan's pissed, they want whale kabobs too.

"By Daisuke Wakabayashi
ANCHORAGE, Alaska (Reuters) - Japan clashed with anti-whaling nations Wednesday over its proposal to allow four of its small coastal villages to hunt whales, and postponed a decision to bring the matter to a vote.
At the International Whaling Commission's annual meeting, Japan argued that its proposal to catch minke whales should fall under the umbrella of community whaling because whaling has been part of its culture for thousands of years. Opponents say that is merely commercial whaling in disguise."

DOG WANKER

and my english friend nic powley is totally nicking my idea with his stupid ass dog wanker skateboard company. don't mess with the cock, nic...you're gonna get fucked.

HAPPY BDAY GARY

yes it was gary's 11th bday yesterday. may 29. and he spent it at the vet. no, i kid. he spent it like every other day, sleeping, eating and beating on beckett. at the beginning of the month we had grand plans for a bday celebration, but by the time yesterday rolled around with its holiday weekend hangovers, we were like, "he's a fucking cat."

a violent cat. gary has been killing now that the warm weather is upon us and the critters are giving birth and since everything in southern california seems to be on fire, there's nowhere for them to hide. except in gary's mouth. although i'll admit gary can't hold a candle to this jeff motherscratcher's trail of blood. jesus christ, jeff is a fucking machine.

http://www.whatjeffkilled.com/

i'm glad to see that someone else enjoys taking pictures of the remains of the animals their cat kills. below is a pretty typical gary kill. and this was his last kill, a few weeks ago, and it was found in a pair of tania's pants that she had left on the floor next to the bed. tania wouldn't even pretend to like the gift that gary had given her.

SADLANDS CARNLANDS

2007-05-04T12:57:00.000-07:00

CARNLAND
so i just interviewed kris markovich and we were getting all sentimental about skateboarding and i was like, "yeah, i’m going to go skate when i get off the phone with you on my little quarter pipe which i’ve hardly even ridden." “I’M GONNA SESSION!” i even put on my li’l anti-dislocated shoulder bra thing.

every thing started off alright. i was riding my li’l whalecock liquor store board, just doing pivots, i even tried a sweeper and a couple f/s rocks. smacked my tail on the curb out in the street a couple times. but then i tried to do a f/s pivot. i kind of committed to getting into it a little too early and i was still below coping so the board went SWOOOOP! and i was practically horizontal in the air. all i could think was, “my shoulder...hospital...” and then, BAM! i hit the cement floor hard.

the first thing i dimly realized was how much heavier i am now. then i realized, "hey my arm is still in the socket." and then, "but my elbow isn’t. WAIT MY ELBOW ISN’T?" i’m kidding. my elbow is fine, although i slammed on it so hard i think i’ll have a nice swellbow. and as i lay there watching my board shoot out into the street and hit the neighbor’s parked car, i thought, “i just slammed.” and i smiled.

suffice it to say i’m back inside at the computer where it’s safe.

SHAMU LAND

other news. did anyone know that sea world used to be a skate park? or it’s where they moved sadlands to?

when tania and i came upon it, i was like, “OOHHHH MY GAAAWWWWWD!” we were in a hurry to get churro’s or see sharks or something, so tania was all, “who cares?” i was like, “BUT LOOK AT IT! HOLY SHIT, THAT’S AWESOME.” and of course tania is always the voice of reason. she said, “well what are you going to do? skate it? do you have a skateboard? and even if you did, you think they’d let you skate it? come on, let’s go.”

“but i can imaginary skate it?”

“LET’S GO!”

she really wanted a churro. look at that shit though. it’s the empty pond at the base of that big ole spinning tower if you're familiar with the sea world amusement park grounds. actually i think you can see that tower from downtown san diego. anyway, i think it’s a permission pool. the owner's cool if you just bring a 12 pack of fish.

[upcoming photos of whale shit and seal shit from our sea world adventure. also "the greatest captive wildlife photographer in the world."]

MOBY DICK

russ sent this link to a pretty cool moby dick related project.

http://web.futureofthebook.org/itinplace/archives/2007/05/moby_welles.html

WEINER GETS SNAKED by dave england

THERE'S MORE TO BLOGS THAN BOOKS YOU KNOW?

2007-05-03T13:31:00.000-07:00

BUT NOT MUCH MORE, NOT MUCH MORE

another goddamn skateboard book. except this one is by my bros jai and ballard. i know we're bros because they asked me to write the intro for it for free and i did. that's what bros do for each other. after you get done buying nieratko's book, you should buy this book. here are some photos from the opening party at that place that everybody has art shows and shit at in la.

the bros, ballard, jai and me. my smile is weird. i need to work on that.

you know what? fuck it. i don't feel like posting the other photos. this shit takes too long. just imagine a bunch of drunk skaters in a room with pictures of drunk skaters on the walls. and sheldon outside pissing on the wall.

BUDDY FART

apparently heather still isn't drinking, but she decided to commemorate the heather that used to drink with a drunk ass hubdur tattoo on her...is that her arm?

and dave england reduced me to one nostril. he likes to call it a carnostril.

"OH HE'S FINE. YEAH HE'S DOING GOOD."

"grandpa switchblades," as we've been calling gary of late, is doing fine. i had to take him to the vet after a friend noticed a lump on the back of his neck and said, "my cat died of cancer. and it started like this." WELL SHIT! but the vet just told me what i thought all along: battle scar. make sure to mark "may 29" on your calendars, as it's gary's 11th birthday. my calendar already has may 29th on it. i always try to buy calendars that have all the dates in them.

BAD ASS

skateboarding? haha. kid's stuff. try tackling a fucking whale.

BOOKS ABOUT LINCOLN'S DEVILED EGGS AND DEAD MICE IN THE HOUSE PANTS

2007-04-26T12:40:00.000-07:00

DAVEY'S BOOKY
it was my idea first. when big brother died we wanted to do a coffee table book, but none of us have the time to do it and we'd never entrust it to anybody else, so the idea just kind of went away. then i thought maybe i should put out a collection of just my stuff. short stories, reviews, letter responses and shit from the mag. cliver was very encouraging about the idea. "there was some good stuff in there," he said, "but unfortunately a lot of it was probably lost on 13 year olds." i shopped it around half heartedly for a few minutes, there was some interest here and there, but it too just kind of went away. until now. a small publisher approached me about putting it out. so i am currently sifting through 14 years and 106 issues worth of big brother material. i hope to have it out this year at some point.

CHRISSIE'S BOOKY

then there's this guy. always copying me. had to have his own book out. fine. whatever. my new book about old stuff is going to be so much better. in the meantime, go to chrissie's website www.chrisnieratko.com to buy it. because if you don't buy his, you can't buy mine. and i'll pull over and give you a spanking, buster.

AHOY, ENGLANDS

if you ever go to ojai and you see an old lincoln driving around with deviled eggs on the dashboard, that's dave england

ray enjoys booing at bands and ruining photos of pretty ladies like joanna england and tania.

ray also enjoys stealing lady's coats and sunglasses. and anything else they got like beers or drugs or babies.

for breakfast ray and i enjoyed a true man's meal: leftover hot wings and deviled eggs. i farted hot fire all the way home. "I GOT HOT!"

and then the jehova witnesses came to the door. dave england shook a chicken wing at them for a little while, but he was no match for them. look at him, he's falling asleep standing up. ruby's pretending to read the label on her sippy cup even though there isn't one. "GOD. GOD. GOD. JESUS."

GARY'S MAKING PRESENTS

it's spring time. which means the mices are out. which means the hawks are in the air circling the house and gary is on a killing spree. this is his third in the last month. he comes in the house with it, let's out his weird ass low MRRRGRAXXXOOWWW, and that means, "follow me outside." which i do. then i watch him bite the mouse's head off. CRUNCH. i go back inside. gary finishes eating the mouse. then beckett brings in what's left and leaves it in the middle of the floor or on a pair of tania's house pants. i take pictures of it, then throw it away.

HOUSE PANTS
sittin' on the corner,
talkin' on my cell phone,
wearin' my house pants.

AND I WAS LIKE DOPE!

2007-04-17T14:53:00.000-07:00

"The first Thrashers game I went to they got into a shootout. That was amazing, and they won, and I was like dope! That really made me fall all the way in love with it. I like the shootouts and everything else involved with the game. But the shootouts are the real deal. To see the guy go from one end to the other end and try to score, man! "

my head hurts just thinking about the jokes here.

i'm just wondering if i blog about hockey, will my teams lose? go ottawa. go detroit. go rangers. all three play tonight, so we'll see if my woodbag pump has any effect. I'm going to say ott/buf in the eastern conference finals and det/ana in the west.

THE VILLAGE TRANNY

this is erica. he...it...she...whatever, is like 6'5" without heels. it's glendale's one and only transvestite. whenever we see erica out, we squeal. because erica is awesome. and she plays surf guitar.

GETty OUT OF HERE!
tania and i went to the getty to see old asian ladies gawk at tim hawkinson's art.

"Guhhhhh."

"cmon, just gimme a piece of cheese...cmon?"

is it still a flask when it's bigger than a bottle?

gary?

i'm waiting for tania to bring me a glass of wine.

tania wanted to buy this. and i said NO.

DEAR GOD...

…it's me, beckett.

WHALECOCK'S LOOK?

2007-04-11T12:09:00.000-07:00

LONNIE! LONNIE! LONNIE! GET YOUR SKATEBOARD LOOK HERE!

i apologize for the absence, but russell sent me the article below, "how to buy the right clothes for each skateboard look," and i realized i don't know what skateboard look whalecock is. lonnie is confused too. i think lonnie kind of has the "unusual skater" look. it's got a little bit of the "jazzy skater" going on in there though, too? hopefully i can get my look together this weekend and we can get back to talking about the whale's enormous penis—oh no, shit! the nhl playoffs start today. fuck, i can't go shopping til after the stanley cup. oh and that also reminds me that today is the beginning of the playoff beard. as a hockey tradition, you can't touch your beard until your team is out. "well how the hell does that apply to you because you're a mess?" i know, i know. at whalecock we're rooting for ottawa, detroit and ny rangers.

HOW TO BUY THE RIGHT SKATEBOARD CLOTHES FOR EACH LOOK

Remember that fashion is an essential part of skateboarding, whether anybody wants to admit it or not. It helps show the rest of the skaters who you are and what you are about as a skater. Choose from this convenient list of stereotypical skater fashions.

The Punk Skater and the Fresh/Hip-Hop Skater

Instructions
STEP 1: Shop for the punk skater look. Start with shoes. Low-top Classic Vans and Half Cab Vans are by far the most common. Chuck Taylor Converse is a possible style, as well. Almost any shoe will work for you as long as it is laced tightly and will develop holes.
STEP 2: Choose the proper pants. You have only three options: Levis 501s, Dickies or Ben Davis. Get one of each and wash them only once a year. Shorts? You're out of your mind. Socks and underwear are optional. Decide between a black, studded leather belt or no belt at all.
STEP 3: Select the right shirts. They must be tight (medium or large only) and worn. Don't have too many skating shirts (only Anti-Hero, Black Label, Spitfire and Independent); concentrate more on old rock band shirts (AC/DC, etc.) and beer shirts.
STEP 4: Pick your outerwear: hooded sweatshirts or plastic-like windbreaker jackets.
STEP 5: Accessorize: Mesh baseball hats of all types are good, preferably backwards, and you need to find a ring or a bracelet with a skull or some spikes.
STEP 6: Shop for the fresh/hip-hop skater look. Start with shoes. Anything with air or gel in them is good. ES, Circa, Axion, DC and Osiris will be your main brands, Nike or Adidas for chilling. Ankle socks only.
STEP 7: Choose the proper pants. Puffy basketball/break-away/sweatsuit pants are the dopest, and if you can't get those, very baggy jeans with a woven leather belt that hangs down once tightened will suffice. Basketball mesh shorts are good for the summer.
STEP 8: Select the right shirts. Basketball mesh jerseys, XL skateboard company and related company T-shirts.
STEP 9: Pick your outerwear: Polo or Hilfiger sweatshirts.
STEP 10: Accessorize: A tab-pull baseball hat or fitting skateboard-brand knit beanie for your head, and the optional gold chain will complete your outfit.

The Hippy/Rasta Skater and the Plain Old Skater

Instructions
STEP 1: Shop for the hippy/rasta skater look. Start with shoes. I-Path is the only way to go. Any style is great. Socks should be black and pulled up, or no socks at all.
STEP 2: Choose the proper pants. Corduroys, khakis and maybe jeans (any brand for all three) are on your legs. They should be either baggy and loose over the shoes or slim-fitting and rolled up above the ankle.
STEP 3: Select the right shirts. Either skateboard company shirts, Bob Marley shirts or ones with no logos, but the T-shirt should match the style of your pants: baggy pants, baggy shirt; tight pants, tight shirt.
STEP 4: Pick your outerwear: hooded sweatshirt or button-down flannel.
STEP 5: Accessorize: A nice woven beanie with a brim, with room for your hair to grow, and a belt, either a woven cotton number that you tie (must include yellow, red and green) or a shoelace.
STEP 6: Shop for the plain old skater look. Start with the shoes - most likely DCs or Emerica.
STEP 7: Choose the proper pants. Baggy skateboard company jeans.
STEP 8: Select the right shirts. T-shirts should be skateboard company shirts only!
STEP 9: Pick your outerwear: Hooded skateboard company sweatshirts and skateboard company baseball hats are a must.

Tips & Warnings

The plain look is simple, and everybody will know you are a skater.

The Artsy, Jazzy Skater or the Unusual Skater

Instructions

STEP 1: Realize that you have the most options with these skater types - you are free! If you're going for "unusual," think thrift store and floppy; you wear the same thing no matter where you are, and no one should be sure whether you skate.
STEP 2: Start with shoes. Note that for both of these types of skater the shoes can be almost any brand (although Vans are very popular), but they must always be black if you're artsy.
STEP 3: Choose the proper pants. If you're artsy, your pants should be slim-fitting and can be almost any brand (no pleats or cuffs). Pants for the unusual skater are also all over the place - jeans, cords, pleated dress pants, khakis, camouflage, whatever.
STEP 4: Select the right shirts. T-shirts will be tight, and you won't have that many skateboarding shirts. Look for old college shirts and, of course, band T-shirts. Long-sleeve shirts are great as well. Unusual skaters also aren't opposed to button-down or short-sleeve collared shirts.
STEP 5: Pick your outerwear: plain, button-down shirts (no pleats) and jackets, with hats or beanies optional. For unusual skaters, outerwear is strictly functional (North Face jackets are common), and beanies must cover a lot of your head.

Tips & Warnings

Unusual skater wannabes should remember that you care very little about fashion, so none of this advice should matter to you. Forget you even read this.

MAKE ME ANOTHER BOILER MAKER

2007-03-21T15:08:00.000-07:00

TWO REASONS THE MEGA RAMP IS MEGA STUPID

one: the roll-in. bob's isn't as bad as previous mega ramps that have all relied on a 200 story, 80 degree drop in, but the result is the same: YOU GO DUMB FAST. as clyde would say.

two: the take off. apparently, by the time you get to this point, you're going somewhere around 50mph. which seems way too fast (for a pussy like me), yet at the same time doesn't seem fast enough to make this gap. i don't know if it translates in this picture, but it's a lot further than i had previously thought. and on bob's the landing is actually higher than the take off, so you're launching at a wall. i was told this makes the landing a little softer and smoother. or "the slam" as it would be in my case.

i opted not to skate the mega ramp. instead i sucked on bob's fruity balls.

CRADLE TO CRADLE

i just finished cradle to cradle by william mcdonough. very interesting book about design, sustainability and other hippie shit. one of the premises is that recycling is all fine and good, but it amounts to nothing more than being "less bad." most recycling, paper for instance, amounts to nothing more than a delay in the material's journey to a landfill. and in the case of paper, a lot of energy and chemicals are used in the recycling process. so this book and all of its pages are made out of space age polymers and resins. it's plastic basically. no trees, no paper. and thus waterproof. and when we're done with it, it can be melted down and the materials (which contain no carcinogens or harmful chemicals) can be used to create another book. which can, in turn, also be melted down and recycled into yet another book without any reduction in quality. interesting stuff, but will it go the way of the tofu dog?

MR. DAVID YOW

david yow's new band QUI opened for big business at our local eagle rock bowling alley. while i really enjoy qui and their music, i'm most happy when david does a jesus lizard song.

dale crover was there as well and he got up on stage with coady and jared of big business to knock out a couple songs.

jared, skot from 400 blows and pat duffy outside the bowling alley where the dirty smokers hang out. i don't know who the fellow on the left is. but he is the closest to chinese food.

NJ SKATESHOP 2.0

nieratko is starting his own empire. he has opened another shop. NJ SKATESHOP will be the next zumies. the next pac sun. look for it at a mall near you. or you can go to his website and find out where this place is.

COCK TALK WITH NATE SHERWOOD

yes, ole nate sherwood. we've always loved him. how can you not love the guy? he was stoked when we asked him to be on the cover of "the kook issue." only nate could be stoked on that. and as we tried to say in that issue, the best thing about skateboarding isn't how similar we are, it's how different we all are. and nate's about as different as they get.

How high can you ollie/breech?
Up to my belly button on flat. That is how I measure when I go to ollie over something like a jersey barrier etc.

How high can you pressure flip?
Li’l over knee on flat , under hip etc. Yo but still it gets its pop. If it is off a wedge then hella hi like traffic candle stick hi.

Do you prefer fresh water or salt water?
Shepherds of the sea all like salt. Saving Whales is a great thing go Google “Sea Shepperds.” great group.

If you were a marine creature, what would you be?
Blue whale. Not by Japan, though. No thanks to their death star boats killing me.

If you were a whale, what kind of whale would you be?
Killer maybe, or above.

Have you ever caught a fish? What and where?
No, never have. I hate killing. I do it enough when I run over an ant skating.

At what age do you think it's appropriate to talk to children about the whale's enormous penis?
Not till they ask about it. I did at 7.

The barstools on Aristotle Onassis' yacht were covered in whale cock skin. (It's rumored that if you rubbed them right, they turned into couches!) If you had a few yards of whale cock skin, what would you cover with it?
I would never. I would rather ice breaker boat and a ak47 RPG and a few motors and sail to the shores off Japan and kill the fucks who kill whales. I would ram whale killers all day with my ship.

Does your whale cock have a name or nickname?
No.

Are you still making homemade pornos?
I used to be a fucking freak, true. Young, insane and hope of glory on every corner. I got ill and I survived and after I got out of the hospital I swore to never do anything to be misogynistic in any shape or form. I as well tried to find a desk job but as u can see my spelling sucks and humans hate that. Being a lefty and dyslexic with a deaf right ear and turrets syndrome is a combo that the most damned do not get. I know there are people out there with it way worse and I hate being emo here but I changed when i got out. Three weeks in a bed will change a man. I never bragged about the video at the time it was more a gag sarcastic joke to get Nieratko back for his jokes on me. Then it blew up in my face and humans from Jeremy Klein to Ed Temp were asking about it. I wish I could delete that part of my life....

Have you learned to stop showing strangers your homemade pornos?
The above should answer this. I never showed anybody except you and the big bro staff. That day in 03.

What's the biggest whale you've slept with weigh in at?
I got a bruised rib once.

What's your technique for harpooning a whale?
Jameson and whiskey to the dome. And keeping in mind condoms are for puss's. No pun intended.

If you could be any animal's cock, what would it be?
Fuck man u r hung up on the cock I need to get u help?

Who do you think has the biggest cock (past or present) in skateboarding?
Lol, i have met so many skater dater chicks who tell story's of who is small who is not bla bla. I hate being drunk at a mini ramp with nothing but chick skaters, they say some evil shit. I will not name drop but if anybody ever hates on me I have a good loaded weapon of info on a ton of cats.

Who do you think is the biggest cock?
JAKE PHELPS. KELLY BIRD, in a funny way. He rules, but can be a dick when he is drunk. And Jake dumbcome. Any photographer who charges by the hour and invoices the mag 5 grand for a dumb nate pic that will never run even if it is free. Oh wait Brian peach is a fucking asshole. Straight up. I will burn all my bridges cause I would rather be on a island having fun than in traffic jams here. You feel me Dave?

If some kid wanted to grow up and be a kook like you, what would you tell him to do?
Have a good fan base on the net. Make sure you have a good day job with medical. Make sure u know skating is a hobby/art, not sport, or a way to profit in any shape or form. Collecting bottle caps is in the same category of nerd ness and we all end up in the dirt so fuck anybody who hates on you. Just live and have fun.

What's the best hate mail you've ever gotten?
“Can I print nater hater tee shirts, I will give u a cut?” I was down the kid never did it.

Do you have any new skate words you can eduskate us with? Dehydraskation is my new one due to my allergies and lack of good water in SD. I am too broke to buy bottled shit….

Send us off with some Sherwood wisdom and eduskation.
If you accept that you suck at life then goals will feel so much more easy to make. If one waits on the river banks long enough he will see the bodys of his sworn enemy's float by. Ask for a paper voting form when u vote. Never make fun of anybody in skating or they might become your TM. Do not trust anybody and save your cash….

LONNIE, CHRISALOO AND BECKETT

2007-03-13T13:22:00.000-07:00

LONNIE

This is lonnie. lonnie is nieratko's wife's uncle. i think that's the relationship? anyway, lonnie is retarded. and thus AWESOME. he's 50 something years old, but he thinks he's four. that's when his brain froze on the tractor. he cusses all the time. he hates camping, but he loves the three stooges and the beatles. we visited him in new jersey and we went and saw batman with him. he fell asleep a few times. when he was awake he would shake his finger at the movie screen. everyone in lonnie's life has a nickname. mrs nieratko, for instance, is SEAL. her name is chrissie and no one knows where seal came from. but that's her name, seal. as in, "FUCK YOU SEAL! WASH MY WHITES!" not many people have a lonnie name. i do not. but chris nieratko just got one. it takes years to get one. and now chris is part of the family. his name is CHRISALOO. congratulations chris. i'm jealous.

ART SHOW

Jocko's art show at the regency was, in his words, "epic." i guess the cops showed up at 6 and politely kicked everyone out. apparently one of the cops said, "you guys are lucky i just saw lords of dogtown." i consider myself lucky enough to have never seen that movie.

CAPES

our friend loomis, who djs at the infamous burgundy room in hollywood, enjoys wearing a little cape. and i mean little. it's about a foot wide and six inches long. ever since i saw loomis' beautiful li'l cape, i, along with ray and tania, have been fans of little capes. i'm even writing a story that involves a little cape and in my research for the story i came upon this photo of a very large cape. it took me awhile to even notice that even without his magnificent cape, this fellow is dressed awesome.

DAVID, PLEASE

soon after we got beckett, he developed a little voice. he is a very polite little dog, innocent and naive, much like ATHF's meatwad. although he doesn't sound like meatwad. the one thing beckett says a lot is "please." it sounds more like "plaze." beckett's personality is pretty much the opposite of tania and i's in every way. he's a christian dog. he likes slow jamz, smooth jazz and oldies. after awhile i started writing down the little conversations we would have with each other. and just like vladimir and estragon, i hope to someday see them performed on the stage. gary, of course, still hates everything, but especially this nonsense.

Opening: Beckett and David walk to center stage. Tania and Sharan are sitting off to the side at a small table drinking, smoking and observing.

DAVID: Hello Beckett.
BECKETT: Hello David.
(Pause. Beckett observes David who after a few moments pours dog food into a bowl.)
BECKETT: David, are you making me a pork chop?
DAVID: No Beckett, I’m not making you a pork chop. (placing bowl of dog food on the ground in front of Beckett.) There you go. That should hold you while we do this.
BECKETT: David. There’s dog food in my bowl.
DAVID: I know.
BECKETT: David. Please. There must be some sort of mistake. I ordered a pork chop.
DAVID: Beckett you’ve never even had a pork chop.
BECKETT: David, please, we have known each other my whole life.
DAVID: I know Beckett.
SHARAN: His whole life?
TANIA: Beckett’s whole life. The goddamn dog is only five months old.
SHARAN: Oh.
BECKETT: David, I know you long for my luscious lips.
DAVID: No, not really Beckett. You have gross dog lips. I do not long for them.
BECKETT: David! Please!
DAVID: You do. Your lips are black and they are gross.
BECKETT: And I suppose, David, that you’re going to tell me that Tania’s lips are more luscious than mine?
DAVID: Her lips don’t have tentacles.
BECKETT: David! Please! That woman has only known us for five short months and in that short period of time she has done nothing but try to destroy the relationship we have forged. As they say, David, “When compatibility meets unbridled passion…”
DAVID: Beckett, please, you know Tania and I have been together for a long time.
BECKETT: Give me a kiss David.
DAVID: I love you Beckett, but no kisses.
BECKETT: David. Please.
DAVID: Beckett.
BECKETT: David.
DAVID: Alright. One. As long as you keep that weird ass octopus thing in your mouth.
SHARAN: Does Beckett always shove his tongue way up David’s nose like that?
TANIA: Yeah.
SHARAN: Jesus. How far up does that thing go?
TANIA: I seriously think he licks his brain. Or what’s left of it.

PENTAGRAMMAS AND DOLPHIN COCKS

2007-03-12T14:45:00.000-07:00

tania and i visited the long beach aquarium last saturday. we've been trying to go for weeks, but partying, hangovers, sickness, birthdays, hockey, etc. has always sunk our chances. i was told it is better than the monterey bay aquarium. it is not. in fact we were rather astounded by how short our visit was. still it was nice for what it was. we went for business reasons. i wanted to shoot photos of whale cocks. unfortunately they don't have any whale cocks. or even whales for that matter. they did have a giant blue whale hanging from the ceiling though. i have drawn in its giant black cock.

since tania and i don't have children, i'm fond of taking pictures of other people's children. they're just so stupid.

i also found it's easier to just take pictures of the aquarium's pictures of their fish rather than try and shoot photos of the actual fish themselves. this little fucker is saying, "hi-eee! welcome to my underwater paradise!"

tania and i are big fans of retards. and what the aquarium may have lacked in exhibits, it made up for in retards. there was a whole gang of them from whittier wandering around. these two looked a lot like that dude from slingblade and i couldn't help but say, "mmm-hm, mustard and biscuits," over and over again. while i'm shooting this photo there's a tard off camera yelling, "SEA OTTUH! SEA OTTUH! SEA OTTUH!" there was only one sea otter. and all it was doing was sleeping and eating ice. which was a big let down.

then there was this guy. the word jackass has kind of lost its meaning. i was there when we came up with the name for the show. i think it was me, knoxville, tremaine and cliver. i don't remember if spike was there. and i like to believe i'm the one that originally suggested the name. the word was definitely part of our vocabulary at the time. but at the same time, i also have a memory of me poo-pooing the idea because there was a clothing company in san diego (i think?) at the time also called jackass. and they were stupid. and that's about how much value i saw in the idea: it was as brilliant as a stupid clothing company out of san diego. genius. anyway, we turned a corner and ended up in this tunnel where a large crowd was gathered around this balding man throwing his keys at the aquarium glass. the seal would try and catch the keys and in the process it was constantly bonking its nose on the glass. while everyone else was very excited to watch the seal flip and spin around underwater, tania and i grew more and more uncomfortable. "it was just wrong," tania said. "it made me really nervous because you know how you feel when someone is about to get busted?" the man continued throwing the keys much to the delight of the crowd that had gathered around him. his wife kept taking pictures. "you should be a trainer!" someone yelled out laughing. "haha! i know!" the jackass said. and he just kept throwing the keys. even let his son torment the poor animal.

here is a closeup of the seal's face. i think he wants to kill him. "give me the shiny thing, asshole!"

tania is petting a ray. i thought the rays felt like velvet, but i was later informed that they feel like boogers. they are coated with mucus.

INTERMISSION TANGENT! ray sent us this photo of some friend of his's grandma....his's? apparently she has dementia. (and perhaps i's does toos?) so instead of throwing keys or shiny objects around in front of her, they made her a PENTAGRAMMA cake. happy birthday ye olde devil!

i do not smoke pot. very often anyway. i can't even remember the last time i smoked it. but we smoked pot in the cab of my truck in the parking lot before going into the aquarium because there is absolutely no other way to enjoy the jelly fish exhibits. it's a rule. just like you don't listen to the band you're going to see the day of the show, you do not go to look at jelly fish without being stoned. "dave carnie making screen savers." -tania

and while there was no whalecock to be found, we did enjoy this poster of dolphin cock.

FLOP ART

2007-03-01T14:25:00.000-08:00

Jocko Weyland is hosting an art show at an abandoned hotel on Sunset. I believe this is the hotel with the empty pool that him, Buddy and Charnoski have been skating? Sorry if that was a secret. I also think he told me this is the hotel where Divine died? Anyway, i thought this was one of the better art show invitations i've ever gotten. I'm still not going, though. Fuck art, let's kill.

Elk Gallery at The Regency
March 4th, 2007
1-6pm
7940 Hollywood Boulevard
Los Angeles, CA 90046

Nicole Andrews
Gerardo Castillo
Rick Charnoski
Bill Daniel
Frank Grow
John Brinton Hogan
Sue Huang
Brian Kennon
Julie Lequin
MachineHistories
Doug Magnuson
Rene Margritte
Coan Nichols
Daniel Pineda

The Regency is at 7940 Hollywood Blvd, between Fairfax and Laurel. Park on Hollywood, Fairfax, Selma or Laurel. Walk to the driveway directly west of the Regency. Climb over the fence and proceed south along the side of the building until you come to a chair on your left. Use the chair to climb over the wall and then go straight ahead into the Regency. Please be advised that by attending the exhibition you will be trespassing and thereby are subject to the possible consequences of breaking the law. If you see a security guard upon approaching The Regency do not attempt to enter. If any neighbors are around walk by and return when they are gone. Also keep in mind that you will have to climb two five-foot high walls and that sensible shoes are recommended due to debris and other obstacles in the rooms. Another consideration is exposure to asbestos. The Regency does not have bathroom facilities, though that does not necessarily mean you can’t go to the bathroom there.

The Prince of the Power of the Air

2007-02-28T12:19:00.001-08:00

PORTRAIT OF MY ASS AS AN ARTIST
I did not win the lottery last night. I have just recently started playing. I told Tania that she would be able to quit her job just after 8pm. Then the little balls came on the screen and only one of them matched the 30 I picked. I told Tania to not quit her job. And while I did not get any lottery numbers, I did get sick. Tania gave me her cold. Do you fart a lot when you're sick? Because I do. And they smell different. Assier and with a hint of medicine and chemicals. I call them sick farts. This time around, however, they have another unusual quality: they're divided in half. Every one of them is a twin fart. It goes, PHHHRRRT-PHHHRRRT. Perhaps they’re palindrome farts and my butt is saying it backwards and forwards? “PHHHRRRHHHP-PHHHRRRHHHP!”

PAT DUFFY

In the year 1769, the same year Whalecock Skateboards was founded, the city of Bescia, Italy, was devastated when the Church of San Nazaro (near Venice) was struck by lightning. For some reason they had stored gunpowder in the basement and so the resulting fire ignited the 200,000 pounds of gunpowder and they had a little miniature Nagasaki. One sixth of the city was destroyed and 3,000 people were killed. I’m sure the first lesson they learned had something to do with storing gunpowder in a church basement (perhaps it later inspired Guy Fawkes?), but the lesson that went down in history was that the disaster prompted the Roman Catholic Church to finally abandon its religious objection to lightning rods on churches. Christians used to believe that lightning was God’s way of “disciplining his servants.” Or that lightning was controlled by Satan “The Prince of the Power of the Air.” Even though Ben Franklin had discovered the electrical nature of lightning in 1752, and that you could save a building by putting a lightning rod on it and grounding it, Christian folk meekly accepted the destruction that was brought upon them from the skies because they surely felt they deserved it. Until 1769.

Pretty much the same thing happened to Pat Duffy’s knee. Like the Church of San Nazaro, 200,000 pounds of gunpowder exploded in Duffy’s kneecap. Although lightning was not involved in his case. His accident was caused by Bob’s evil Mega Ramp. Not counting the 12-year-old girl that method grabbed Danny’s gap over a year ago, Duffy was the first street skater (“street dog” as he put it) to make the gap. Congratulations. Unfortunately, immediately following his momentous achievement and despite his exceptional vert skills, he hit that quarter pipe at a 100 miles and hour and launched himself out over the flat bottom. As Brian Patch once explained it to me, you’re going so fast when you hit that transition that you can’t not end up doing an 18 foot b/s air. Duffy went 18 feet high and drifted 18 feet away from the coping over the flat. (Which makes you wonder if the Prince of the Power of the Air wasn’t involved in some way?) I think the ramp is about 22 feet high? So Pat fell about 30 feet straight to flat. And that ignited the gunpowder in his knee.

Like most pro skaters, Duffy’s sponsors don’t provide health insurance and, probably because he’s a pro skater, he hasn’t provided himself with health insurance. It’s a subject that’s, sadly, usually swept under the rug in the skateboard industry, but the issue at hand here is that blown up knees are very expensive. Why his sponsors aren’t paying for the hospital bills, I have no idea? I think they’re kicking in a little? But the rest is up to Duffy. And thus they’re having a benefit party in SF for him. The proceeds go to the good doctors who put Pat’s knee back together. So go. You’ll have fun and you’ll be helping to fight the good fight against The Prince of the Power of the Air.

COCK TALK WITH PAT DUFFY

This interview and all past and future Whalecock interviews will be found in the Cockaganda section of the website. A new one will (hopefully) be posted each Wednesday. If my ass stops farting. But here's Pat Duffy on Cock Talk.

How high can you ollie/breech?
depends on the night before…uh breech?

Do you prefer fresh water or salt water?
fresh

If you were a marine creature, what would you be?
plankton so I would eventually be whale poo

If you were a whale, what kind of whale would you be?
um blue?

Do you enjoy hunting whales?
what are sundays good for?

Have you ever caught a fish?
I caught a one eyed trouser trout this morning in my bathroom.

When you were fishing, did you and the other fishermen, you know, gay
off?
is male 69 considered gaying off

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to talk to children about the whale’s enormous penis?
asap

The barstools on Aristotle Onassis’ yacht were covered in whale cock skin. (It’s rumored that if you rubbed them right, they turned into couches!)
If you had a few yards of whale cock skin, what would you cover with it?
My face

What did the biggest penis you’ve ever seen belong to?
a bull

Does your whale cock have a name or nickname?
The General

What makes your cock different from other cocks?
It’s blue like a smurf's cock

If you could be any animal’s cock, what would it be?
That’s tough. Tiger cock maybe

If you could be any person’s cock, who would it belong to?
fuck ron Jeremy. does everyone say that?

what would you like to have as your Whale Cock graphic?
how bout some skulls. they’re hot right now right?

If you ran Whale Cock who would you give a pro model to?
Wises, drehobol, bokma, jake brown, Hensley, my mom

What product would you slap a Cock logo on and market to the public?
toothpaste

COCKS FOR SALE

2007-02-26T10:42:00.000-08:00

ABIERTO!
you can now buy whalecock shit. so go to the store and buy some whalecock shit. you can call the number there, or email doug. if you'd like to email me i'm:

dave@whalecockskateboards.com

i've always wanted to open a mexican restaurant and call it "abierto."

DJ DAFT CONNIE
i've recently been having to deal with the very unfamiliar world of hip hop and DJs. don't ask. but since my mind is there, i decided to come up with a dj name and i thought DJ FUNKULUFFAGUS would be good. it's so good i assumed it was taken. nope. and thus it's apparently not a very good dj name. like i said i am new to this. tania suggested DJ DAFF CONNIE. kind of a drunk "dave carnie." not bad, i thought, but what about DJ DAFT CONNIE? i picture an old, drunk english lady that yells at her audience while she spins. she is old and grey haired. she wears an obnoxious floral print house dress and slippers. she drinks pints of cheap gin and smokes menthols. connie is hot. i gotta get connie some turntables. then maybe we'll get altamont/melvins backup dancer tammy to go on tour.

CRUISIN
i have only now been able to start going through my photos of our cruise. summary: in short, it was really fun and it was exactly what you'd expect to find on a cruise. a lot of old people, a lot of food and a lot of drinking. one thing we did not expect was our $800 bar tab which was more than the whole cruise itself. here's a photo of connie hanging out with a couple of the CRUISIN GRANNIES that we met on our cruise. there are two types of old people on a cruise: the really nice party grandmas, like these ladies, and the really old and bitter grandmas that hate everybody, but especially mexicans.

fortunately i didn't have to hang with a bunch of grandmas. i got to hang out with this lovely lady. this was taken by our bartender nandy. i started off trying to do the girly drink thing—you know, when in rome—but they're really gross. that's a margarita and even it was fucking disgusting. we stuck to wine, beer, martinis or whiskey.

WHALECOCK ON FILM
i recently got an email from a cock fan who sent along a video of actual whalecock. you can view the video at the bottom of the WHALEJA VU section of the website. Ninian Doff (?) writes, "Hey Mr. Carnie, A lot of stills of whalecocks on your site but now finally a video of one in all its glory (as a bonus the whale is pervertwhale who's enjoying gratuitously waving it around in front of a group of school kids):

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1695739

Glad you also finally acknowledged Morrissey as the best skater out there. He puts the melancholic in melon grabs. Ninian doff."

DYNAMITE SURFING
and finally dynamite surfing. perhaps you've already seen this? i'm not as quick on the internet as tania and usually see everything about the same time as everybody else in the world. and if you believe this, then you need to go look up the world "gullible" in the dictionary, because there's a picture of your face there. still, they did a good job, huh?

http://uncutvideo.aol.com/tags/extreme-stunts/f549f1165417ef0e2460f67566f21464?index=3

I Am Flipping You Off as Hard as I Can

2007-02-01T09:32:00.000-08:00

BOSTON IS STUPID

I was originally going to update this once a week, but I can’t resist today. And frankly I have to admit that, much like the one time I attended a Grateful Dead concert, I can understand the attraction. And like the Dead, I didn’t say I like blogging, I just said, “I understand the attraction.” Fortunately I have a short attention span and we’ll be lucky if I really do update this at least once a week.

I’m sure most everyone has heard about the “terrorist attack” in Boston? Agents working for Aqua Teen Hunger Force hung little Ignicnoc electric posters all over various cities across the US. No one seemed to notice, or care, except in Boston where the populace FREAKED OUT! They’re still freaking out. The way they’re talking you’d think they want ATHF and Turner Broadcasting fucking drawn and quartered. They’re “retodded.” Below is what I wrote Tania this morning on the subject. (Background: Tania works in international shipping that deals specifically with fine art and for the last week a gallery in Hong Kong has been giving her a hard time. She requested that, if I had time, you know, could I blow up Hong Kong?)

“Well apparently,” I wrote, “all you have to do is hang up a couple pictures of Ignicnoc and it shuts a whole city down. I was just watching the news while eating breakfast and I finally saw the ‘suspect devices’ ATHF hung all over Boston. I guess they’re all over the place in a bunch of cities, but the fockin retaaaa’ds in Boston thought they were under attack. It basically looks like those old light toys from the 70s—what were they called? It’s like a black board and you plug little pieces of plastic in it and they glow and make pictures? Oh, Lite Brites. But the “picture” was Ignicnoc flipping you off. ‘Oh my gawwwwd, it’s a bomb!’ The guy in the news studio asked the field reporter why we didn’t freak out here in LA and the lady said, ‘Well it’s probably because we don’t walk very much here and Boston is a real walking city.’ And the studio guy just fully dissed her, ‘Well, New York and Chicago and a lot of those other cities are also big walking cities and they didn’t have any problems. Anyway, thank you Laura.’ Cut.

So go hang some Lite Brite toys around Hong Kong and if they’re as stupid as Boston, it’ll be like dropping a bomb. Too bad Truman didn’t think about that.”

I have also surmised that this might be the reason why the Boston Bruins are playing like complete crap right now. How can you concentrate on hockey when your city is being attacked by Lite Brites?

THE NEW TODD FALCON

And then there’s this dude who “skates” like he’s a fucking terrorist attack. Jesus Christ. He’s kind of like the new Todd Falcon, only way gnarlier and kind of violent. Go watch this video.

http://www.skatenc.com/

PRINT EXCHANGE

My friend and photographer Jai Tanju up in San Jose began a little project called The Print Exchange. Basically him and a bunch of his dumb li’l buddies send each other stupid pictures. I happen to be one of his dumb li’l buddies. So I get sent lots of stupid pictures. At first they really were stupid. I was like, “What is this crap?” You know how when you get a roll of film back and about 2/3 of the photos are just shit and you throw them out? Well if you’re a part of the Print Exchange you are, apparently, encouraged to not throw those photos out but rather send them to strangers. I mean I don’t even know who most of these people are. But fortunately the quality has gone up recently and I’m actually receiving photos that are “of something.” Like this photo of Steve Claar at Del Mar back in the day doing a tuck knee tail pointer/switch sad plant invert. It was taken by my old friend Mark Waters. It’s awesome having two legs huh? Jason Jessee, I understand, really wanted Steve's leg. Even stranger is that Steve anticipated Jason's request and would have obliged, but the doctors wouldn't give him his leg back when he asked for it. Apparently once they amputate, it's not yours anymore. Bio hazard? More like bio bullshit.

If you like giving and receiving stupid photos, visit The Print Exchange at http://www.filmporvida.blogspot.com/

CRUISIN

Finally, there will be no updates next week because Tania and I are going on a cruise. Yeah, I know, it makes us laugh too, and that’s the point. We figured what could make for a better vacation than to be confined to a bar that’s floating in the middle of the ocean for a week? Full report when we return. I’ll surely have lots of photos of surly seniors getting busy. (Kevin Wilkins sent me the below picture. You know how The Skateboard Mag’s spines make up a skateboard related picture? I thought Captain Strubing’s bald ass head would look way better on next year's spines.)

Wednesday is Whaleday

2007-01-31T10:00:00.000-08:00

First of all, God hates you. I'm sorry if you didn't already know.

http://www.eveningservice.com/Video

Second, I apologize for some of the glitches on the website. Cockaganda is a mess. But unfortunately our webmaster is in Hawaii on vacation this week. When he returns he'll get out his tools and fix it. Because he's good like that. It's also come to my attention that some of you are having trouble navigating around the site? I've heard that some people don't know that the little W in the circle on the store side of the site enables you to scroll through our vast array of products? Well then I think you should desist from using a computer because it's obviously too complicated a machine for you to be operating.

Hopefully the store will be up and running next week as well and you can order all the cock you want online.

Gary is doing fine, for anyone who has been wondering. In fact he’s going to be Whalecock’s second team rider after Morrissey. He’s blowing up. Although his home life has been in shambles the last year. Tania and I got a puppy. A miniature dachshund. His name is Beckett. And he is the bane of Gary’s existence. The sight of him just makes Gary gag and puke.

I don't know, I think Beckett is kind of cute. But maybe he makes you puke too?

Who you rooting for in the Puppy Bowl on Sunday? I'm going for the dachshunds.

http://animal.discovery.com/convergence/puppybowl/puppybowl.html

And I know I'm not the first person to question the inherent redundancy of National Go Skate Day (isn't it every day?), but I mean if you're actually going to pick one day to call Go Skate Day, I would have chosen Super Bowl Sunday as Go Skate Day.

Here are some new Alien Workshop boards featuring art from my friend Chris Reed. Good stuff. If you have any money left over after buying Whalecock boards, I'd pick up a couple of these.

The Whalecock Interview: Tony Hawk

2007-01-31T09:35:00.000-08:00

This week’s Whalecock interview is with the most famous cock in skateboarding, Tony Hawk. Some of you may have even seen Tony’s cock. I know I have. Remember that Trans World picture in the late 80s of Tony doing a Japan air in Del Mar’s keyhole? Tony and I sat down on the deck of the St. Mary and had a little chat over a plate of oysters and a pitcher of whale cum. Or maybe he just answered my email.

Do you prefer fresh water or salt water, Tony?
Fresh water. In fact, I'll have a Fiji because it comes in those cool square bottles.

If you were a marine creature, what would you be?
A Manatee. People love manatees as if they are the koala bears of the sea.

If you were a whale, what kind of whale would you be?
A Sperm Whale. Do I really need to explain why?

Do you enjoy hunting whales?
I never have, but I would love to hold one of those giant spears at the front of a Moby Dick boat.

Have you ever eaten whale?
Yes, really. There is a sushi place in Santa Monica and whenever we walk in the chef offers special dishes (not on the menu and not available to other guests). I've also had blowfish there.

Have you ever caught a fish? What and where?
My dad used to make me go fishing with him, so it would have been something basic off the coast of SD. My dad once caught a shark, but the line broke as he reeled it in.

When you were fishing, did you and the other fishermen, you know, gay off?
No, but I was once at a bachelor party on a fishing boat. Another boat pulled up and two strippers got off. They danced while the boat rocked, making them trip half the time. We all had lines in the water and it was really lame.

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to talk to children about the whale’s enormous penis?
Only when they see it on the Discovery Channel. Otherwise: don't ask, don't tell.

The barstools on Aristotle Onassis’ yacht were covered in whale cock skin. (It’s rumored that if you rubbed them right, they turned into couches!) If you had a few yards of whale cock skin, what would you cover with it?
My own... A whalecock condom!

If a whale attacked your genital area, but you were able to save one thing, your scrotum or your penis, which would you choose to save? (keep in mind that whatever the whale bites off is going to be flung about and batted around by the whale’s tail in the middle of the ocean.)
I have three kids, so my scrotum has had a good run already. I'll take the shaft.

What did the biggest penis you’ve ever seen belong to?
A horse

Does your whale cock have a name or nickname?
No. The idea of naming a part of your body always creeped me out.

What makes your cock different from other cocks?
Left curvature

Would you rather be a pirate, a Viking, a whaler or a navy seal?
A pirate - they seem to have the most fun when they get to their destination.

If you could be any animal’s cock, what would it be?
A dog's. You get to hide until it's time to get busy, and then your mate is stuck with you once you're inside.

If Whalecock skateboards gave you a pro model, what would you like to have as your Whale Cock graphic?
A Hawk Cock

If you ran this company, who would you give a pro model to?
Simon Woodstock. We need the humor back in our industry.

When are we going to see another ball danglin’ japan air?
When they dangle past my cargo shorts, maybe in another 20 years.

Thar She Blows!

2007-01-26T08:04:00.000-08:00

welcome to whale cock's news section, aka the cock blog. which is kind of redundant, now that i think about it, because all blogs are cock blogs aren't they? you have to be a real cock to blog. anyway, this is where you will find weekly updates, whale cock news and general nonsense. like this picture of a whale.

you'll also find weekly interviews with pro skaters, pro whalers, pro sailors and other luminaries. our first interview is with mr. naked 540, bill weiss. bill was recently married to his longtime girlfriend jen in las vegas a couple weeks ago. congratulations bill. here is a picture of clyde singleton during the lunch reception giving a shout out to the only two other black people in attendance, kenny and rodney.

WHALECOCK INTERVIEW: BILL WEISS

How high can you ollie/breech?
High as the Donger but not as pretty.

Do you prefer fresh water or salt water?
Fresh, salt makes me a rock lobster.

If you were a marine creature, what would you be?
A male dolphin, that way it would feel like I have two cocks. One down below and one on my face

If you were a whale, what kind of whale would you be?
A Billugah.

Do you enjoy hunting whales?
No

Have you ever eaten whale?
A female whale.

Have you ever caught a fish? What and where?
I caught crabs once, does that count?

When you were fishing, did you and the other fishermen, you know, gay off?
I would rather eat a female whale than play with a longshoreman’s flounder.

Whales enjoy krill. They eat it raw, like sashimi style. What is your favorite way to enjoy krill?
Is Krill the villain on He Man?

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to talk to children about the whale’s enormous penis?
I think that should go hand in hand with the cigarette conversation.

The barstools on Aristotle Onassis’ yacht were covered in whale cock skin. (It’s rumored that if you rubbed them right, they turned into couches!) If you had a few yards of whale cock skin, what would you cover with it?
I would cover my car to have a nice place for seagull shit to land.

If a whale attacked your genital area, but you were able to save one thing, your scrotum or your penis, which would you choose to save? (keep in mind that whatever the whale bites off is going to be flung about and batted around by the whale’s tail in the middle of the ocean.)
I would go with my penis."My balls are dumb long yo" so if he bit them off he would be doing me a favor.

Does your whale cock have a name or nickname?
Meatloaf.

What makes your cock different from other cocks?
It is a dual citizen.

If you could be any animal’s cock, what would it be?
A dogs tube of lipstick.

If you could be any person’s cock, who would it belong to?
Unfortunately Dave Navarro's when he was married to Carmen Electra.

when you do nude 540s, which direction does your cock spin?
Counter cock wise!

Does it give you extra lift, like a helicopter’s propellers?
It has never failed me.

What comes out of your blowhole?
Chipotle.